Mr. Alger stood there in his tweet suit and bow tie, smiling up at me through glossy lips and rosy cheeks.  For some reason he looked shorter now.  At first I thought he'd shrunk, but he was the same five feet as he was when I first met him.  The difference was that I may have added an extra inch or three to my avatar.

"Mr. Algar," smiled Meiorin.  He walked over to the odd man and held out his hand.

"You called for your representative, and now I'm here," Mr. Alger smiled back.

I looked back and forth between the two with my arms extended, palms up.  "Wait, you know this guy?"  

They shook hands and then looked in my direction.  Meiorin's smile wavered.  "He's the guy that stepped out of the Welcome sign when I was getting synced."  He quirked an eyebrow.  "What...you too?"

"I'm a very busy man these days," smiled Alger.  "I am a representative to many players, and it appears you are both my clients.  How fun!"

My reply came tentatively.  "Yes... Only he introduced himself to me as 'Alger', not 'Algar'. 

Alger slapped his hands together and rubbed them.  "So, who wants to go first to fill out your stats and get you into the amazing world of Pleiadia?"

Meiorin raised his hand first, albeit somewhat bashfully. "I've got my character all planned out, if that'll help." 

Alger's eyes lit up.  "Oh, it will!  The launch was just so overwhelming, any efficiency that can be found will be most appreciated.  And for your generosity and patience, I can perhaps grant you both a little minor boon in return."

I took a step back and placatingly put up my hand.  "Alright, alright.  My questions can wait if it means moving things along and getting a little out of it too.  But just to let you all know, I'm going to write a detailed report about this game."

Alger grinned back at me.  "I expect you will, Akaun."  He raised his other arm around Meiron as he finished speaking with me, and the two started to take a few steps away. 

I raised my hand.  "Nice meeting you, Meiorin.  Good luck.  I hope we run across each other again sometime."

Meiorin smiled in his gentle way and raised his hand to wave in response. 

Alger nudged him forward, and they continued to walk away from me.  As they did so, they both faded out of sight.

I sighed and attempted to put my hands into my pockets—an impossible feat in a sackcloth tunic, I'll let you know.  "Again with the waiting..."

fIt took me a full second after they left before a cringed.  I had failed to ask Mr. Alger about how to exit the game.  The question was a slow burn, like one of those underground coal-seam fires you hear about that somehow get ignited and smoulder for years, decades, even centuries. 

I looked around at the various player characters about the courtyard.  Sometimes, eccentrically dressed game representatives would appear and escort a player off.  It was still weird to see so many people gathered in tight groups, talking and laughing, all without masks and facial coverings.  Nobody wore politically charged hats or waved flags of any color.  Skin tones included even more shades of color, even crimson and magenta, emerald and dandelion.  Black drow laughed with lily-white elves. 

There was one particular gnome, though, that was running around slapping the majority of bare asses that still milled about.  He seemed to be targeting the women specifically.  He laughed and insulted them as best he could, given the no-profanity filters still being active.  But it didn't fool anyone that he was claiming to be "slapping beaches" and calling those who tried to hit him back "frogging can'ts". 

The little snot was stopped, however, by the very same huge half-orc woman I'd had the misfortune of blocking earlier.  She wasn't hard to miss as she towered over everyone in the yard.  And now that I was further away, I could clearly see that she was, indeed, very female.  I could see the tweener gnome make his way through the slap forest of flesh, on a trajectory towards the half-orc.  So I took out my metaphorical popcorn.

The half-orc was looking generically at the horizon.  Yeah, she had the little sheep in the corner of her eye.  As the gnome reached her cohort, her arm shot out like Mr. Miyagi catching a fly with his chopsticks.  And with an impressively fluid motion, launched him over the courtyard walls.  I was not alone in cheering.  A dwarf even raised his arms and yelled "touchdown!" 

I was still smiling and chuckling at the scene when Mr. Alger materialized beside me. 

"What did I miss?"

"Just a bit of community policing." 

"Community...policing?"  He arched his neck, looking rather concerned at the still cheering crowd.

"Never mind.  I'm glad you and Meiorin were so fast.  I've got a couple of very important questions for you, Dude.  Like, how do I—"

"Yes, your friend came quite well prepared, which made it a very speedy process for which I thanked him profusely." Alger beamed at me with obvious satisfaction and took me by the elbow.  "So, if you don't mind just stepping this way, we can get you started and you can ask me all the questions you want."  He escorted me away from the courtyard before I could utter another word.

As we walked away from the courtyard, everything around me faded except for Mr. Alger.  The enclosed courtyard was replaced with an open-air bazaar.  Colorful tents lined a broad dirt avenue where characters in the kind of garb I was used to at a Medieval/Renaissance Faire walked leisurely along.  The artisans and merchants of all shapes and sizes attended to their customers' whims.

Alger turned to me and waved at the tents.  "If you have your Writ filled out, we can have this done in no time, my good sir."

"My, uh...what-where?"

Mr. Alger sighed.  "Did you read the game manual?"

I stared at him blankly.  "I was thinking I'd figure it out as I went along.  It's part of the fun.  You know what I'm saying?"  I shot him a little grin, but he neglected to mirror it back.  Instead, he sighed and looked at a small pocket watch that he pulled out from his tweed suit pocket.  His facial expression seemed to regain its composure, and looked up at me with a smile.

"Indeed, Akaun.  Many of our initial players such as your self have had quite the same outlook."  He pulled a leather pouch from his coat.  It was small enough to fit comfortably in his hand, but bulged such that it should have been noticeable before.  He handed it to me.  It was surprisingly heavy.  "This, my boy, is a sack of gold coins and a few jewels.  The coins represent the points you can spend on your attributes, while the gems are for specialties like certain traits, skills, feats, spells and the like."

I hefted it and felt my mouth water.

"Our EveryAll system is a little different than some of the RPG's you might be more accustomed to, but it's basically the same idea.  You'll get the hang of it."  He winked at me.  "For your patience and understanding, I did happen to place maybe an extra gem or two in there."  He winked again and made a nudging motion with his elbow.  "Just know that once you are finished and have purchased everything for your character sheet, all sales are final.  There will be a rather gruff half-orc who will make sure you follow the rules, and he's got quite the eagle eye, if you know what I mean, so don't try anything nefarious or you'll experience our version of policing.  Am I clear?" 

He kept smiling, but there was no longer much warmth in his eyes.  I had the feeling the half-orc wasn't just a prop, but a personified (orcified?) anti-cheat program.  I just nodded.  "You got it, boss."

Alger looked at his watch again and shook his head.  "Oh, my... When you've spent it all—and I do suggest you spend it all because otherwise these coins and gems will disappear upon exiting the bazaar—there will be a much kinder halfling who will take you to your starting village.  And I just know you'll like where you begin."

He gave me a big smile and brought his pocket watch up again.  He gulped and spun around, hurrying away from me. 

"Mr. Alger!" I shouted after him, following a couple of steps.  "I really, really have to know how I can exit the game." 

At that, Alger stopped dead in his tracks.

"I don't know how long it's been," I continued.  "But I'm pretty sure I've got to be ready for a bathroom break or a sandwich by now... or... uh..."

His back was to me, but I could see his shoulders deflate while he let out a long breath.  He glanced at his watch again, sighed, and put it back into his coat pocket.  He turned slowly.  His expression was like he was about to tell me that my dear old grandmother had died again of that stupid virus that had robbed us all of our lives, figuratively and literally; chronologically, economically, and too many times, fatally.

"Did you read the EULA?"

"What?"

"The End-User License Agreement?"

"I know what it is."  I felt my face clench.   "Nobody reads those things.  What are you getting on about?"

He took his steps slowly back to me and put his hand on my shoulder.  His brows folded.  "My dear Mr. Akuan.  What did you think those forms and waivers were that you filled out?"

"I just thought it was for, like, epilepsy or something, so I wouldn't start having a seizure while playing."  I felt the knots in my stomach form.  I just wanted to play.  The whole world had been put on hold because of that stupid virus.  I just wanted to escape.  I didn't want to look at any more forms or hospital bills or death certificates or job applications or political propaganda.  I just wanted a place to be whatever I wanted to be, without all of the bullsheep of the...  Gourd dammit. 

"You are no longer just playing the game—you are in the game. You are the game."  His face hovered close to mine.  He looked into each of my eyes to make sure what he said was sinking in—at least as much as it could for the time being.  It wasn't.  Not yet.  But the seeds were planted, and that was good enough.  Alger's smile continued to be gentle, equal parts consolation and congratulation.  I didn't see pity in them, but excitement instead.  Maybe what he said was weird, but weird had become the new normal.  Maybe he was my guardian angel. 

It must have been enough for him because he leaned back and slowly resumed his course to his next appointment.  "I promise I'll visit you in your spawning village, Akaun.  We'll talk some more."  He gave a little friendly wave, which I returned in kind.  "You're a special one...I know.  I can see it, my good man."

I watched him fade away.

And then, I turned, hefted the large bag of gold in my hand and stepped towards the bazaar.

So, yeah.  I hummed the last couple of versus of Hotel California.  And that's as far as I got with the thought. 

Back in the real world, some time in late October when the second wave of the pandemic was turning into an even deadlier third wave, and my country teetered on the edge of falling into fascism forever, my brain froze.  I would wake up in the morning, get dressed, pour milk into my cereal and stare out the window until the afternoon.  My chest always felt tight.  My breath, hard to draw.  And I wasn't even sick.  At least, not with a novel coronavirus. 

The restaurant I had worked at closed its doors, and the lamp-poles (dammit) pretending to run the country, weren't.  So every bang on the door from my landlord sent me hiding under my bed covers.  That inner voice that would tell me what I needed to do to live on a daily basis became smaller and quieter until it said almost nothing at all.  The only part of my brain that worked was the one telling me to watch live streaming or play computer games when I wasn't masking up to search the empty store shelves for the false promise something resembling toilet paper.

That's how my brain was reacting to Mr. Alger's words—it wasn't.  So, as it had been for the majority of 2020, the only part of my brain that did work told me one thing only: Play the game.

I walked towards the bazaar, feeling the sunshine on my skin and fresh air.  It felt so real.  I wanted so desperately to believe it was real.  So, I kept walking and simply let my belief choose my reality.

"Greetings, human male!"  A red-skinned creature with horns coming out of its head grinned through sharp teeth.  I wondered to myself if they called demon-humanoid hybrids Tieflings here too.  "Come, come!  You have fat pouch in your hand, and we have just what you need.  Come, let's make you mighty man in this world, shall we?  Yes?" 

My feet took me towards the booth where he was gesturing at me with his arms to come closer.  It was divided into two parts.  The front was open-air with poles holding up a canvas roof.  The back half was enclosed with canvas walls with tables, racks, and other things inside.  I could see various imps scurrying around, carrying items from pouches to candlesticks. 

He eyed my pouch, still grinning madly, and licked his lips with his forked tongue.  He looked back up at me through yellow, slit eyes.  "You are friend of Mr. Alger.  Yes?  Friend of Alger is friend of us.  Come, we take you good care.  Good care of friend."

"I'm rather new here."  I ambled up to the table where he stood opposite and looked down at it.  Bags, pouches and parcels were arranged in neat rows.  "What do I do?  What are these?"

"Starter kits," he hissed through his grin.  He waved his fingers over them and looked back at me proudly.  "First, brave human male brings up our stat sheet, yes?"

I frowned a little.  "How do I do that?"

"Drokli sees human didn't read the game manual."

"Now, don't you start..."

The Tiefling held up its hands.  "No offense.  No offense.  Just more work for us.  More time.  But we are not Mr. Alger, so Drokli no minds the ignorant human male." 

I rolled my eyes.  "Alright, I get it. I deserve it.  Let's just get on with it, shall we?"

"We shall!"  Drokli's eyes twinkled—perhaps even literally, if I wasn't mistaken. "We just think how much we want to open our stat sheet.  Like memories."

I shrugged and closed my eyes.  I imagined one of those old paper-and-pencil stat sheet from my youth appearing in front of me.  Nothing happened.  So I opened my eyes to look to Drokli for help, but—there it was, floating in my vision.  It was like a status sheet from my youth, but more like the updated computerized versions I'd seen in VR.  It hovered, mostly transparent as a HUD—a head's up display.  "Well, what do you know?"

"We know much!  Now, newbie human male sees lots of nothing, yes?"

"Please call me Akaun."  I looked around at the names and the blanks following them.  "I'm guessing you can't see what I'm seeing."

"Only Akaun can see Akaun's stat sheet unless Akaun gives us permission to look.  But we don't recommend such things.  Very private.  Like big human tenticles, no?"

"Er...right...  So, how do I get stats, then?"

"We use big fat coins in our purse to be purchasing stats.  Sometimes when Mr. Alger likes newbie first-times lots, he gives us gemstones for special purchase buys."  He licked his lips again and stared more intently at my pouch.  "Akaun has gemstones?  We like the gemstone much lots!"

I shrugged, then pulled the strings on the pouch and dumped the entire contents on the table.  I swear, Drokli was going to orgasm right there.  He clapped his hands and actually bounced up and down a couple of times as his eyes danced over the glittering coins and—yes, a good number of jewels.  I remembered Mr. Alger talking about compensating me for something-or-other.

"Oh! Yes, yes!  We use the coins.  Akaun can purchase Physical, Mental, Heart, and Spirit attributes.  Physical attributes is Strength, Vitality, Agility, and Coordination.  Mental attributes is Knowledge (IQ), Emotion (EQ), Perception, and Acumen."

"Alger did say that the attributes might be a bit different in the game.  I'm guessing Vitality is like Constitution, and Agility like Dexterity or something.  What's Acumen?"

"Technical knowledge.  How to drive horse cart.  How to load catapult.  How to craft items.  Fun human things!  Agility is like overall body quickness and balance, like when using sword fighting or punching big ugly ogre in all out fun bar fight!  Coordination is hand-eye, like when aiming arrow or picking lock to make sure friend money safe."

I chuckled.  "Got it.  Go on."

"Those main big attribute pool.  Then Heart attributes are inside.  Mr. Alger calls Grit.  Also called Willpower."

"Lemme see...isn't there one other attribute?"  I pursed my lips and rubbed my chin.  "Oh, yeah.  Charisma.  What's that under?"

"In Pleiadia, charisma more calculated from other things.  We think using as game mechanic stupid rule made from nerd makers who think sexy humans can buy love liking."  Drokli smirked and winked at me.  "We know no magical power potion formula makes people automatic love, except for coins and gems, yes?"

"Well, there goes my ability to barter, then."

"Is okay, Akaun human big guy!  Charisma influenced in complex game formula from EQ Emotion, morals and ethics, and lots other hidden stats.  Depends on player or NPC, too.  Could go swimmingly with elf, but not so much with dwarf, yes?  Even Mr. Alger not knowing.  Makes harder to manipulate outcome.  More sexy fun times!"

I nodded.  "You know, I'm fine with that.  I always hated this one murder-hobo rogue who couldn't roleplay his face out of a grade school costume party.  He would dump into Charisma and automatically get NPCs to do stuff.  I wish Craig would just work at it a little, you know?"

"I am not knowing this Craig, but sounds like no fun party costume murderer."

I barked out a laugh.  "Oh, Drokli.  I like you." 

"And we have friendly liking of Akaun, even after when not so much loaded with coins and gems.  Which of speaking, we wish to show what different jewels.  To keep life fair game, Spirit attributes use diamonds.  If we want magic, then spend on MP mana magic points.  If want more play with gods, then spend on FP faith points.  Or, can put into LP luck points.  We can make combos being too.  Some into luck, some faith, some mana.  We love taking gemstones all!"

"So, when do I pick my class and alignment?"  I looked around the table, and then at the other booths nearby.

"Well..." Drokli gestured at the parcels on the table bound with strips of leather.  "What we be calling 'class' is more like job clothes.  Can put on and take off.  Yes, some special skills and magics, but more transferable than typical Class of inferior game times."

I rubbed my chin and nodded as he spoke.

"Completely do away with Alignment nonsense.  Even worse than Charisma!"  He actually spat on the ground and made some kind of symbol in the air with is fingers like he was warding off evil spirits, then spat a second time.  "False dichotomy of simple human TV show movies."  He spat again.  "And gameboy incel crying babies.  Too subjective, this good-evil-neutral.  One human man boy's rebel is another halfling freedoms fighter, yes?  Whole concept hidden racism, so frog Alignments, yes?"

I nodded again.  "It's about time."

"Is more complicated process now.  Not hard.  Just few questions for us, but not for our booth.  Is later, yes?"

"So...are there requirements for my Class?"  I closed my eyes and shook my head.  "I mean, for what I want to be in this world?"

Drokli shrugged.  "Some help.  We want to be seeing list?"

I nodded and a list of options appeared in my HUD vision.  Not expecting that, I reeled a bit.  But after a moment my eye refocused.  "Okay.  Yes!  Ranger.  I was thinking I'd kind of like to be a Ranger or something.  You know, commune with nature and sheep?"

Drokli wrinkled his nose and he leaned in to peer closely at me.  "You want be Ranger or Shepherd?" 

"Not 'sheep'.  Sheep.  Uhg!  Frogging no-swearing zone..."

Drokli laughed and slapped my shoulder.  "Oh, we get it.  Yes, yes.  Mr. Alger not so good liking of colorful language terms.  Thinking too unimagination, yes?  Not to be worry.  Human foul-mouthing is plentiful once enter world of Pleiadia."

He looked down at the table and started pointed among the parcels.  He finally pointed at one tied with a deep, green-dyed strip of leather and picked it up.  "Am thinking this is our size, yes?"  He then handed it to me.

As soon as I took it, the crude tunic was instantly replaced by a more detailed outfit befitting the RPG world.  It wasn't lavish, mostly simple leather and supple rawhide with a few designs.  But it was already far better than any cosplay outfit I'd ever thrown together.  And it fit rather comfortably, I might add.

After that, we spent a few moment counting my coins.  I think he made me count them once more for his benefit than mine, but I soon figured out that the coins were essentially points to be distributed into the various attributes.  Drokli produced a piece of leather with what looked like a great wheel painted on it.  The spokes divided the wheel into eight zones, each labelled to represent the four physical and four mental attributes.  At the hub was a smaller circle to represent Willpower/Grit.  

I've always had some difficulty when it came to attributes.  I want my characters to be pretty well-rounded, with a little bit of everything.  Most other RPG players I was with tended to favor certain ones depending on their class, like dumping more into Strength for warriors, Intelligence for wizards, or stupid Craig and his Charisma-bloated bard.  But I always wanted someone who was a little above average in most attributes instead of average in all but one or two. 

I placed two platinum coins in each zone.  That was the average human ability.  With my remaining gold and silver coins, I added more to Strength, Vitality, and Coordination rather than Agility since I was planning on being a fit Ranger in the wilderness with a bow.  Agility was more for melee combat.  I still threw a few gold and silver coins into that zone, though.  I figured Perception was going to be vital as a Ranger, but I also added to Knowledge and Accumen with an eye on specializing in skills like Survival, Crafting and Tracking.  I was thinking of ignoring Emotional Intelligence altogether, but then I remembered what Drokli said about charisma.  So I threw a coin or two in there as well.

Drokli produced three cups.  The first was a fancy golden chalice bedecked with jewels.  The second looked like a silver teacup to me at first, but then I realized that it was in the shape of a small cauldron.  The third was a stall, stout, bronze stein.  He pointed to each.  "Faith.  Magic.  Luck.  We be putting gemstones in what Akaun is wanting for Spirit points.  Yes?"

"Is this something like mana points?"  I pointed at the silver cup.

"No."  He shrugged.  "Is exactly like mana.  We like to be pointing out that we are very lucky today.  Mr. Alger gives us more jewels than average player human.  Akaun must be very special big guy."

"Well, I'm not going to be a wizard or cleric, so I might as well put it all into Luck."  I grabbed the jewels in my hand and was about to throw the lot into the bronze stein when I saw Drokli wince dramatically.  "Uh... no?"

The Tiefling smiled toothily.  "In end, we get all jewels.  Makes no difference.  But Drokli likes Akaun.  We are seeing he is good brave human male.  Plus, not reading the game manual, yes?"

I raised an eyebrow.  Then I tightened my hand around the jewels, which I then clutched to my chest.  When I leaned back, Drokli whimpered, looking a bit desperately at my fist. 

"Please we are wanting the gemstones."  A Tiefling trying to give you puppy dog eyes doesn't go off very well.  It wasn't creepy so much as it was a bit too—well, demonic, like he was playing a joke on me.  However, I knew he was earnestly agitated. 

"Am I wrong to assume that Luck doesn't do something like skew poor rolls towards better ones?"

Drokli shrugged.  "Is something like.  But our opinions as completely neutral not human players would be better to be putting into Faith.  No?"  He glanced across the far end of the bazaar and wrung his hands.  His eyes shifted about the other booths.

"So...I take it Faith isn't Pleiadia's version of mana for clerics?"

Drokli looked around again and leaned in very close to me.  "Akaun does not know about the gods of the EveryAll, do we?  Yes, no?"

I shook my head and leaned a little closer to him as well.  It was like having my very own player's tip line.

"EveryAll is more than game.  Is—how are we saying this?"  His hands made little circles in the air, and he took another discrete look around before leaning in again.  His voice was becoming more of a whisper.  "Having access to gods is being very, very important.  Can get players out of sticky places.  More chance to be heard.  Even chance for us to be ascending.  We are understanding, yes?"

I shook my head.  "Not really.  But I get it that Faith is pretty important, kind of like gold ticket access to the moderators or devs or something?"

Drokli winced again, and this time he looked directly skyward.  It compelled me to likewise glace up, and I half expected to see some gigantic Greek gods holding a chess piece in their hands.  Finally the Teifling sighed.

"Is good enough.  We can be understanding as we be game."  He patted my hand, the one that was still clutching the jewels.

I gave him an amused smile.  "Tell ya what, Dude—"

"Drokli."

I stopped mid-sentence to look at his deadpan expression.  "—Drokli.  I'll take your word for it.  How about I put four jewels into Faith and four into Luck?"

He said nothing but tilted his head slightly towards the gold chalice.

"Can I earn more jewels later?"

He nodded, smiling fiendishly.

"Alright, alright.  Five into Faith, three to Luck."

He nodded and beckoned at my hand.  So, I dropped the gems into their respective cups.

Drokli looked up at me with a broad smile and a nod.  "We are being sure this is what we want for attributes?  All sales are being final."

I nodded and tried to use one of my Faith points.  I sent a mental plea to whomever was listening that my strategy of a well-rounded, above average character rather than one maxed out on one or two attributes was a sound one.  Of course, since even the Faith points weren't implemented yet, there was no answer.

Drokli looked so pleased.  He gleefully scooped up the coins, the cups, and the leather mat with the great wheel imprint.  "Was our pleasure doing business, Akaun human male."  He blinked at me.

I just stood there until it got too awkward.  "Um...what now?"

"Now, you be going to see half-orc male Randy.  He is being showing out newspwn."  He pointed towards the other side of the bazaar.

I raised an eyebrow.  "Randy?  Beta tester, right?"

Drokli smiled and winked.  "Are we not all?"